You did not make me feel better just a little bit ago.


In fact, you made me feel worse.


Thanks a lot.

Ultimate Stress Part Two:
I do have to pay.

I need to get more hours, yes more than 40. Ugh. I am so drained. Boys suck. Best friends suck. Everyone sucks. I want to move out. Actually I want to run away. I am not sure where I would go yet, but I know I am going to leave soon.


Where are you when I really need you? Whatever...

Ultimate stress part one:

Since I am failing a class I might have to pay the government one grand.

If I fail another class it could be 2 grand.


Totally. Fucking. Beautiful.



Now, I just bought food yesterday, but it looks like I am going to have to throw it all out since I have lost my appetite completely. I just have no idea what I am going to do now. I pretty much severed a lot of relationships I had, and I cannot feel anything right now, trust me, I tried.


I just want to sleep...

Everything is moving so fast, I can hardly hold on. But what is actually holding me steady? I wouldn't be able to answer.
My body is holding onto the little food I am eating, and it pisses me off. I can go without food for two days so far, which is good. I don't need anyone. I had a date, but it was odd. I had a good one awhile ago, I need to see him again. I am going to get that gym membership this week and also get a tattoo when I get paid. Work is messing me up, but I am making it. Barely. But I am making it.
I am delirious right now, which is why this looks odd. I am kind of bummed with what I have been thinking about (certain people) but I guess I need to accept and do what I have to do. I wish so and so was into me, I think he and I could work out, but I am also seriously down for unrequited like (never love). I can't help it. It is always easier that way.

I guess I am over you now, took long enough, right? Wrong. I wish it had been shorter. oh well.
I need to shower. Finals tomorrow. Frick, I cannot do this. I am failing 2 classes this semester. I am moving in August and I don't care. You don't. I can tell.

My meal plan this week is mostly water fasting since I have gained weight. ugh.
I am not going to college this coming fall semester.
Mom is okay with me moving, which is odd, but nice. I'd have to talk to Panera about it, but I am sure they would work it out... at least I hope so.
My legs look pretty.

Narrow Stairs

I feel so lost.

This is why I tell him everything and not you.

the truth hurts, doesn't it?

Give Up

Absolution

But I'm afraid this just isn't true anymore.

Pablo Honey

... even if it only lasts two months.

Last Splash

random thoughts:


I think my body rejects all kinds of western medication. Sleeping pills keep me awake now. Diet pills make me hungry. energy drinks knock me out. I procrastinate too much. Once again, guys with girlfriends apparently are attracted to me. I haven't slept yet. It is 4:30 in the morning. I haven't even touched my homework either. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am not taking any summer classes. I am getting stressed out. I still feel sort of happy, just annoyed that I keep procrastinating. I feel lonely. I think I miss holding hands. I miss human contact. I mean, I have regular human contact in my everyday life, but I miss a closer feeling. I really like just sleeping with someone. I don't even think we need to be holding each other; sometimes it is just nice to lay with someone. What am I saying? I'm oddly healthy for the way I treat my body. I really hate it, but I won't lie, it is somewhat of an addiction. I need to get better man, I am sick of this. Baby steps... baby steps. Okay, I am going to start my homework now. I hate when finals start to come up. During summer, I want to get good at the banjo, I want to save money and I want to camp SOMEWHERE. I want to feel fresh and warm breezes on my face. I want to read a few books. I want to not sleep alone at least once. I want picnics. I am grateful for the friends and family I have.

Volume One

enjoying:

- morning shifts
- potential snuggy bud
- day dreaming
- afternoon naps
- slicing and toasting bagels
- late nights
- good conversations
- cute emails
- cinnamon crunch toasted plain bagels
- Clara samiches
- being busy enough

I got called into work and I am so tired.

Deceiver

I try to open up to you whenever I need help, I just wish you would open up to me, maybe just once. It would make me feel a bit necessary in this friendship.