loads of secrets

loads of mixes

Occasionally I will be able to produce words. It is quite interesting, actually, to see what I eventually write down, or type, especially when it is 230 in the morning. Thank the Lord though, because I have a day off tomorrow, or technically today. I have to design my tattoo, clean up my bedroom, and figure out what I am going to do for the rest of the day. I part of me wants to stay above the surface on this entry, don't ask me why because I couldn't answer that for you.

My eyes are growing weary. I feel that I am using the last of my energy for today just trying to hold them open. I am sure though that keeping them open will benefit me, even if I don't see it just yet.

Sometimes I have no idea who I even am, which could work out for me, except I hate having an identity crisis. Who really likes those, anyway?

Our two bodies, though they were so close together, were not the source of the horrible heat. I felt as though I really was going to pass out, I do need more energy, I will not lie. I wish I could break free, and this summer is going to make or break me. I keep getting really hot, and I do not like it. Although, we did fit nicely, I haven't fit like that in awhile. It is refreshing, and yes, it did take my mind off of the usual stuff. I don't want to worry you though.

This. This new, wonderful, yet scary feeling. I cannot claim you yet, but I have a slight feeling what is going on here. I do like it, along with you. I am scared though. I still don;t know what I am going to do about this, but I can bet you a large amount of money that I will screw myself over.

Basically, to put this in the shortest amount of words possible, I have no idea what I am thinking/feeling right now.
All I know, is that I want to get healthy, happy, and better in general.

I just think I am over it. I'm fine now. I just needed to let it out.

I have to b at work in an hour and I have not slept in so long.

building nothing out of something

Live From the Union Chapel

I honestly do not know what I want anymore, and it is driving me crazy.

I hate dreaming about you because it is just a tease.

When will you be back in my arms? My bed? My life?


I know it will never happen, but baby, please don't leave. Stay here, and we can go far off to our own place, like we first planned.
I miss you...

I loved you first.
I loved you first.
I loved you first.
I loved you first.



I need to save my money, but I am beginning to hate working so much and so early.

ps

I understand it is hard for you, but I wish you would just stay by me through this. That is all I ask for.

Room Noises

raw? Like the fast today? Only raw fruits and veggies, I do say. But I will deny that thought because I am only to actually deserve water. I have fucked it up again, dear, but I promise, this is the last time.
I don't know why I am typing this way, but I swear to you it will be the last time. I do not want anymore of you. Stop taking over me because I am afriad you will destroy every ounce that is left of me. Every piece. Every organ. I will fail. If you plan on keeping me locked behind this then fine, but please, make it fast because I cannot bear this way I am acting. Irritable and depressed. A slave to your every thought and demand. I will do as you say only because you have the control. I was always so easy to push around. I do want to break free, but I am afriad you are all I have left. You, the murderous person you are. It is okay though, because you love me. It is hard to see it sometimes, but baby, I know you love me. If you didn't love me, you wouldn't be sticking with me when I need someone. Anyone. Everyone. No one.
Please, as I said before, do it quick. I cannot take this any longer. I am actually finding myself easier and easier to hate as these days pass by. I am actually pushing the people I love more than you away from me and I am slightly terrified at the thought of what exactly will happen to me once I get out of here. Who will then love me after they have seen what you did to me? Who will look me in the eye and tell me I will be okay? I am afriad no one. Once they hear you speak to them, they will leave. I am afraid you tend to keep people away from me. Is it because you are selfish? Or is it because you want to have a life that only consists of me? I havent figured that part out yet.
If you do leave me though, I actually am not sure what I will do without you. You have been with me for so long, I might not know who I am anymore. You are all I know. Almost all my thoughts are intertwined with yours. Is this what it is like to completely lose yourself? Is this the point of rock bottom? Not knowing what you want anymore? I hate you, but I need you. I love you, but I want you to leave me, once and for all. I want that normalcy everyone talks about. I want that freedom. I don't want to be locked up in you anymore, I really don't. I don't know where you came from and I don't know when you decided to grace me with your presence. But please, I swear to God, please go away.
You fat ass. You fat slut. Put that in your mouth, go ahead. But be warned, you will not able to wear any of your already huge clothes. Do you want to stay a plus size? If you don't have any self control, the for God's sake, just take those pills and sleep until you have work tomorrow, okay? I love you, I am only trying to take care of you. I am only trying to show you I love you. I am only trying to make you happy. This is what makes you happy. I only want the best for you. Look at that woman... do you want to look like her? I love you, I really do.
No you don't. Yes, you do. I don't know anymore. I don't want this anymore. But I'm not skinny enough to be sick. I am not damaged enough. There's nothing wrong with me. Just let me shed all of this off me. Let it fall off. I want to be free. I want to be clean. No one will love like you do. No one will hate me like you do. Free me. Free me. Free me.

This is why I am leaving. This is why I am lying when I say I don't love you no more.

not sure how to say this.

let down?

maybe.

always when I need it the most.

I must be stronger than I think I am.

don't make me feel mutual friendship.

make sense?

not important.

like always.

(don't sigh sweet lady)

whatever.