121.5

disbelief. Entirely? Well, yes.

nausea. Total. Maybe from the beans? Why not.

Stripped? Should I? Sometimes I fall off my rocker and I actually write more than I should. I feel full, so I guess I should let some out. Just a little bit.

Work. Oh God, work. I don't even want to go. I cannot believe the other night. Stop touching me. I hate you. You are disgusting. I am THAT good though. You have no idea what you are messing with my dear. No idea.

Or maybe I shouldn't be so mean... I am a really nice girl.

I just watched the biography on Heath Ledger. I am not too sure why I would do that to myself. It sure got me thinking though. I really would love to be portraying different people. Hahaha, to put it in a blunt way: I would love to be an actor. So I guess I am going to start attempting to get myself out there. I cannot be intimidated by anyone or anything. I'll tell you, it might be good to stay at my job then because then I can practice not being intimidated by people at my job.

My job.... yes, my job.

Yes, today, I was contemplating the inevitable. Just like I do every single day. I am going to turn that energy into something positve though.

Just registered for my last class. My schedule is looking like this (or at least this is what I would want):

Monday 3pm- close
Tuesday class from 10 till 7pm
Wednesday class from noon til 2
Thursday class from 10 till 7 pm
Friday 3pm - close
Saturday 3pm - close
Sunday 3pm - close

So if I work about 28 hours a week, that would be 56 hour pay check. which rounds to about 896 a month from work. Plus I will get 881 from school a month, giving me about 1700 a month. Minus the 300 for gas, the 100 for food, and the 150 for my phone bill, then I will have 1150 a month.
I'm going to just save money this time. Just save save save.

I want to go to Minnesota before the year ends, just because I miss Missy.

Radiohead on the 27th... I gotta get that day off. I think I will though, if I ask for Tuesday/Wednesday and Thursday off every week.

Dammit. I am going to be so worn out these next few months.

I'm gonna go running, or at least attempt it.

bone digger.

Paul Simon is echoing throughout my ears, and although this is usually my ultimate comfort, I haven't felt this out of place in a long time. Well, maybe that is a bold face lie, because we all know I am hardly ever comfortable. I am drifting, yes, floating along this vast sea, and I will drown soon, I can honestly feel it. I know I am not very poetic, I wish I could come up with beautiful ways to express my inner thoughts, but at the same time, I don't know if I care enough.
Yes, I really am I huge contradiction.

I'm getting thinner! It feels good. But I had breakfast this morning, so I feel really sick. I know you care about me, and you hate that I treat myself this way, but this is something I have to deal with, so stop criticizing me and making me feel bad about it, because it doesn't make me want to change, it makes me want to die even more.

I used to have these intense and colorful dreams of becoming a member of the peace corps. I would get ready and train to be in the most horrible situations and environments, and then I would hop onto my flight and fly halfway across the world. When I would finally make it to the unfortunate area, I would spend months attempting and hopefully succeeding to make it livable and wonderful. Yes, I said wonderful. I would do these things in as many places as I could, and I would travel to the horrible places and speak on ignorance and racism. In my dreams, I was eventually assassinated, but it was all for a good cause.
My current dreams consist of nothing. I have no plans for my future. I am just looking into an empty and lonely life... if I make it that far.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me... I am so self centered.

You. Oh you. ohhhhh, you. I'm glad you think you're better than me. When you were this low, and I was there for you... oh nevermind. There really is no point to this.

Late night dinners do not make me desire you like I 'used to'. In fact, I don't know how much longer I can take it. I told you I wanted to move, and I really do. I want to move right now, but I have a job. I hate just getting up and leaving, you and I both know that. Which you am I talking to?

That short, yet great conversation I had with my sister just may have solved all my problems (lie), or maybe just one problem.

WHY AM I SO VAGUE?!

Mentally, I feel as though I was born a pariah. It is hard to understand. This entry has gone to shit.

And on my final note; why is it that I think of great poems, short stories and good lines when I have no pen or paper around me? Dammit.

8:30 PM
Purple jeans are fitting wrong in all the right places
the smell of 27's are getting to be too powerful
Freddie is driving me crazy

and all of this is pointing out to me that I have no idea what the hell I am in for.
I am still opening this week, well fuck it. I haven't felt this drained in a long time. Nothing I can't handle though, or is that routine for me to say?

All these impure, although hardly sexual thoughts. Not that there isn't anything there, it is the fact that there is a lot there; a lot of things that I have been trying to flee from in the past few years. Am I scared? No, of course not. I am terrified. Beyond all reason. I might be attempting to put up a wall, like usual, but maybe you are strong enough to break it down. I guess a part of the reason I got so quiet was because I absolutely detest when a lot of people know my business that I don't want them to know. If that is helpful. To be more frank, I just want the two of us to know this right now, to keep this whole thing between ourselves. I don't really want others to know anything about it really. It just makes me think about my past and what has happened back then.

My throat is screaming at me, and my body is breaking, but I really don't care anymore. I won't lie though, you do make me feel like I should hold on a bit longer to the small hope I have acquired these past few years. It is beautiful, this whole idea I have built up about 'us'. Of course, not as beautiful as you.

Freddie, please stop being so goddamn hyper. I know you're a puppy, but just chill out.

It really is times like these in which I don't even see the point of living. God, yes, I am THAT morbid. I mean, I do get my euphoric state, and yes, it is mostly when I am around you, but what about the other times when I can't think of anything else except the inevitable destruction of myself?

I could write about you for hours, really.

What am I doing?