8:30 PM
Purple jeans are fitting wrong in all the right places
the smell of 27's are getting to be too powerful
Freddie is driving me crazy

and all of this is pointing out to me that I have no idea what the hell I am in for.
I am still opening this week, well fuck it. I haven't felt this drained in a long time. Nothing I can't handle though, or is that routine for me to say?

All these impure, although hardly sexual thoughts. Not that there isn't anything there, it is the fact that there is a lot there; a lot of things that I have been trying to flee from in the past few years. Am I scared? No, of course not. I am terrified. Beyond all reason. I might be attempting to put up a wall, like usual, but maybe you are strong enough to break it down. I guess a part of the reason I got so quiet was because I absolutely detest when a lot of people know my business that I don't want them to know. If that is helpful. To be more frank, I just want the two of us to know this right now, to keep this whole thing between ourselves. I don't really want others to know anything about it really. It just makes me think about my past and what has happened back then.

My throat is screaming at me, and my body is breaking, but I really don't care anymore. I won't lie though, you do make me feel like I should hold on a bit longer to the small hope I have acquired these past few years. It is beautiful, this whole idea I have built up about 'us'. Of course, not as beautiful as you.

Freddie, please stop being so goddamn hyper. I know you're a puppy, but just chill out.

It really is times like these in which I don't even see the point of living. God, yes, I am THAT morbid. I mean, I do get my euphoric state, and yes, it is mostly when I am around you, but what about the other times when I can't think of anything else except the inevitable destruction of myself?

I could write about you for hours, really.