Once Again

Come on, just finish the job, please, I just cannot take this anymore. Maybe a few more weeks until they will shut down... anything really because it is just a chain reaction. I know it will hurt, but nothing hurts worse than this. I can handle physical pain so much better anyway...

"Jesus - do you hate me?
Why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin
Do you hate me? do you hate me?
Do you hate me? do you hate me?
Do you hate me?"

"I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love"

Yes, yes this is it. This is one of the worst days by far. I really just want to escape. I've already ruined everything and anything here. I want to go back to feeling absolutely nothing again. I want to go back to feeling unhealthy and empty physically. I want to go back to when I was dying faster and faster every day. I need something to just numb me again.

I typed up an entire entry full of shit but I don't even see the point. I just want to sleep.

Soul Searching pt1

What is "being in love" really mean?

I have no idea. I still, to this day, do not believe I have found it or that I ever will. I just cannot get the bonded to someone.

That connection you feel with someone, yes, I can find that, but to take it to the next level? That is just too difficult for me.

I still have a lot to figure out right now. For the most part though, I have no idea what it is exactly that I need right now besides a swift kick in the ass... either that or some more 800 mgs.

more

I don't know why I ever thought that even for a moment I was 'pretty'. I saw pictures of myself. Trust me, I am quite far from it.

This.... this sickening facade.

Honestly, I think I am too fucked up to be alive. I hate this.