Baby Doll

Maybe I'll listen to Noah's Ark again
And write more letters that I'll never send...


My papa is home... he yelled at me about my ticket. He made me feel like a loser. Maybe I am a loser. I think I am a loser. I am poor. I need to make money. I want to make money. I think if I made money I might feel more comfortable in spending it. I am afraid to be broke. Everyone is losing their jobs. I don't want to lose my job. I think if I lost my job I would lose my life. I think I am hitting rock bottom, or at least coming very close to the line. I Am stupider. I cannot use an immense amount of vocabulary. I just use the same words over and over again. I am repetitive. I have bad memories. I think a lot about my past. I don't miss my past. I do soemtimes but not really. I miss emotions. I get sad a lot. I get sad too easily. I need to go to Minnesota so I can remember who I am because I am getting lost in the fog. I am getting lost in all the Classics, the Smoked Turkeys... I cannot remember a lot of stuff anymore. My body hurts every day. I am lazy. I am only eating sushi. I am only eating rice, avocado and eel. I want to drink water and coffee. I want to be free from my mind. My mom says I psycologically screw myself. She's probably right. Lolita is a good book. My dad wantas to buy me clothes. I think he feels bad because I was crying. My brother thinks I am depressed. My sister told me she was jealous of me growing up and still now because I made good friends based on my personality and not my looks but where is my personality now? I am just boring, quiet and sad all the time. I am not as happy and I don't smile as much. I cuss and get angry. I am lazy. Where is my mind? Where is my brain. Where am I? I wish I had more money so I could travel, even though I am afriad to go new places without knowing what I will be doing. I wish I could eat without worrying. I wish I could be worry free. I wish I was more caring. I wish I wazs more considerate, I wish I could look at people without feeling their sadness. But it is ALL I feel. I wish I didn't cry so much, especially at stupid things. I wish I didn't feel shame in crying. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I wish I didn't think I have to be perfect all the time because I am far from that. I wish I had different expectations for myself than I do for others. I wish I was more dedicated to school. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was smart like I was last year, or two years ago. I wish I could find a career that makes me happy. I wish my dog was more obiedent. I wish I wasn't self destructive. I wish I could swim. I wish I was dead. I wish a lot. I don't wish on stars. I wish I could sleep better. I wish I typed this better. I am not going to re read it though, because then I will erase everything. I want to tell you how much I love you. I tell you every day but it is never enough. I wish I never hurt you. I want to die. When did this happen to me? Why couldn't I prevent this? I am going to be in my brother's old room. I wish I could drive right now. I miss driving. I wish I wasn't so stupid. I learned my lesson and now I have to suffer for it. I get it. I deserved it. But I wish this didn't happen. I don't feel good. I don't want to work today.

Fake it 'til you make it, right?


Shower.

I miss driving.

30 days

yeah, it isn't that long but it is still there.

I do believe this will be the time to read all those books I haven't had the chance to read.

We will see what happens. I'm sorry.

Thanks for being here for me. I love you.

NOT THAT THIS EVEN MATTERS, but now that I think about it, I don't think you ever really gave two shits about me. You really never cared about me like you did about half the people who never gave a shit. That really sucks because I wasted so much of my time and energy trying to be a good friend to you and you never really did reciprocate it like you did for people who.. you know what, I don't even want to care about this anymore. It is a waste of my time and you don't even give enough of a crap to say anything to me about it. Whatever "man". I hope you flourish in your new town.


I hate constantly fighting. I hate being cold. My room is cold. I am tired. All the time. I fall asleep after everything... why did they make a comment about me falling asleep? I hate myself for sleeping. I need to start taking something to keep me awake.

I need to earn more money. Maybe I should pick up another job.


I just feel so sad.