I'm just wondering...

you were the glasses. you showed me the leaves. I don't think you'll ever understand that. Goddamn.

isn't it funny to just feel like being whisked away with the wind, flowing through the air like leaves?

lipstick, I'd wear, for 1 million years... just to stop your eyes from fallin' down tears...

lips like sugar

wanting to disappear is a feeling that is creeping back... counting each... pinch...

I need to read.

I want something that will never come.

Today the stupid alarm on my computer went off flashing '2 years' and it was so... depressing. Hell yes. This is exactly what I wanted.

All I wanted was you

But you don't see me

You won't see me

You gave up, I can see it. I tried so hard to hold on but you pushed me off the cliff... maybe I was nudging you before, but you just shoved me

I did become a little 'thing'. I think... who cares what I think? Doesn't matter anymore.

I'm alone, too. I'm an idiot for thinking...

I'm just an idiot in general. But no more. I'm making a personal change that I have seen work for other people, so maybe, just maybe it could work for me... it kind of worked before for me, I just need to perfect it...

You won't even tell me what I did to make you start ignoring me.

heaven only knows...

I don't feel very interesting.

fuck.

salt

A lack of service

Currently at my Grandparents' house. In the library.. mosquito bites frequent my body more now and I really don't like it.

Confusion. That is the word of the day. It is hard not to write back, I always want to write back, we have so much to say.

You're on skype, although I think you're logged in all the time, but still, you're there. I'm here.

You look good, you always do. It is nice to talk to you, it always is.

I'm glad you received the letter, really glad.

You... you you you. I just don't know. It is so hard. This is so hard. What are we doing? This does feel right, you're right. This feels like something but I am so cautious as well, I know you are afraid, I am nervous, I fear I say the wrong thing all the time, there are so many things I want to say... I feel like I am a secret now, but I feel like I deserve it.

I'm going to start school a week after I get home.. I want to go home now but I have to do this.

I'm relearning to knit. I'm writing, filling that book... I wonder if it will be full when I come home.

I could be vague I could be blunt. I could get stopped either way.

You're standing at the edge of the ocean, pawing at that rock, is it lust? is it l... you don't know. There is lust, this we know, but is there more to it? Is there more to us anymore? I want you to figure these things out, yes we do have those thoughts I can write a novel on them and I know you could as well, I'm not saying hop on the horse I'm saying don't leave the ranch, I'm saying...

what am I saying?

You're afraid. I'm afraid. We are both stubborn. We have traded places. This is different.

stay with me, you're all I see, just breathe, I'm an idiot. I know that. I am such a fuck up.

Your heart. You.

I wonder if I am allergic to bee stings, I hope I don't find out while I am here.

Fucked up dreams again last night, but with a twist.

I wish you were here. I try to sleep in just to get those few extra moments with you, the dream you seems so real...

this is where I feel vulnerable. But if I give up, then, well, it would be the worst thing I could do. You really are one in a million. I hope you know that.

You're smile.

God, Krystal, I just fucking miss you, and I don't care if everyone calls me an idiot for that.

Mix space, mix time, mix all the ingredients you can find, make the dish, I like your creations, do with it what you please, whatever is your flavor, throw it in the blender, freeze it, cook it, boil it, by all means... I don't know.

I'm horrible with metaphors. I miss when you recall a memory and it looks like you are digging through the filing cabinets in your mind.

Am I saying too much?

It is 3:35 here.

Vanessa wants to leave the library.

I hope you're not feeling bloated anymore...

green light vs. blue light

Yes, you did unblock me.

Yes, this is a language we are creating, sharing... what to make of it.

Confusion, yes. Always. Fear, yes. I am afraid, too. Not of what scared me before, but all new things.

Everything you write, I read, reread, read once more, hoping that I can know what you truly mean.

The L word, yes, old feelings, thoughts, emotions, always... There is so much to be said but can we really say it?

They say to stop. They say to just stop completely, but I don't care I do what I feel is best in this situation they don't know the situation.

You're confused. I don't know if you want me. Do you want me because you want me? Or do you want me because you're alone? Do you want me for me? I want you to want me for me.

I wish you didn't hate yourself. I wish you didn't hate your hair. I'm 20 cents richer...

Don't skip out. Please, don't skip out. You can do this. I know you can. Maybe my word doesn't mean as much, but I hope it means something.

I am troubled. Yes.

First off, I am troubled by cars honking at me when I walk to the library, I dislike that. But, I still walk.

I know the bar situation with us would be much better. Would you though? Talks. I want more of those. I want more of you. You're like an addiction. Am I an addiction?

Women ask rhetorical questions to get explanations... we are doing that here, aren't we?

What are we doing here?

What are you doing right now? I almost called you last night to ask you that very question... but I chose not to.

There is so much hurt. The trust, I fear you do not trust me. I feel like, with a mutual want and a lot of work, this could be something again, but it has to be mutual, and I don't think you want that. You are pulled in many different directions.

I am, too.

But, when I think about it, in the simplest terms, and the least amount of explanations, it becomes clear to me. It is still cloudy to you.

clouds. see the pyramids along the nile?

Nobody said it was easy. Some of the best things in life are worth fighting for.

Did it come yet? I am anxious, I wonder when it will come.

I want to keep writing but am I feeding?

My thoughts of us are burned into my mind. Your skin against mine, friction, sounds, tastes... the sounds... your breathing. When you're sleeping. When you're sighing. When you smile and I can feel it. Textures... all of it.

I love the way you used the word draped.

Last night at the baseball game some one was wearing your perfume and it was wrapping itself around my body, enclosing me in, all I could do was imagine you there and it was haunting me.

Maybe you are too stubborn. Maybe about all of those things. It is hard. I am not you. You are not me.

This is me. I am coming out from the clouds. I am becoming free. I fucking hate how much control other people's opinions and my own insecurities had over me. It ruined so many things and I am trying repair some of them.

Why did you unblock me? I miss some things too.

Do you really want me to let you go? Drop you? Leave? What do you want? I know what I want.

I want to see your face, face to face. I want to hear your voice.

I want to keep typing... but maybe I should stop for today.

Scattered T-Storms 50% chance of rain

Taking about an hour long walk, getting lost, raining, humid, eck... this library was a trek, to say the least.

Flaunting my sexual orientation at other's expenses isn't really something I like... in fact, it annoys me Miss... stop doing that. You won't, but stop. There is a lot of bullshit going on in that department and it really makes me want to scream. I don't care if people know, but when you tell them to say, "yeah, you think she's good looking but she is GAY, HAHAHAHAHAHA sucks for you!!!!"... that is fucking stupid.

Going to the bar last night was NOT my idea of fun, either. Drunk men acting like idiots... it made me miss nights at home with you.

The fist fights outside also did not make me feel very safe. Dislike that for sure.

I'm glad I am at Kelly's because she is laid back and a homebody... my cousin on the other hand, I am pretty pleased I will not be around that as much. I'm not a prude, I just don't see the point in getting blitz'd and being in dangerous situations... maybe that is just me. Hearing a man say to his girlfriend, "Do you want me to fuck you up?!"... yeah, no. The elder of the cousins at least looks out for me, or asks if I want to leave because getting eye fucked is uncomfortable.

Catherine and James both mentioned coming out here to keep me company... very sweet ideas, but this is something I have to do. Be alone at least for these 6 weeks. James is coming out though for Missy's huge birthday bash... just for 3 days. But still, this is something I have to do. Figure out myself. I am, as the days go by... I am starting to like myself again, there are parts of me that I miss though...

You always look great. I can picture it. Smiles.

I'm glad it went nice, sorry that your sister was not as mature as she could have been.

Keep fighting, keep your head up. You are strong, I mean it. The nightmares will hopefully go away, I wonder if I make appearances in your thoughts...

I had a dream last night and you told me about your nightmares. I really wonder...

Believe me, I can't help but...

What is the weather like there? I wonder. I miss the babies. I have pictures on my phone, but I miss them. I am glad I brought Ally McBeal, it helps when I am up 'til 3 AM...

I cook sometimes. I do the dishes.

You creep your way into my thoughts without even making a sound...

I hope you're feeling better today. 2 more days, you'll do great.

That line... fucking line. I'm putting it in your hands. 2 weeks. I've been here 1 week so far. It feels like forever.

When I got here, I weighed 120 pounds... my goal is to gain 5 and exercise. I can do it. I can do this. It is getting easier. At least this part is.

Good God, my dad is talking to me about... stuff... so weird.

I wonder if it came yet... I had 'thoughts' the other night, they were good. I went for an hour long Motorcycle ride with my uncle... you don't have to wear helmets out here.

Which do you do more often, smile, or not?

T-storms are supposed to be going on this week.

I have fears, bad thoughts, things that haunt me, worries, all of that stuff. I try not to think about them, but they are still there. I can't help it. Your touch helps with the nightmares.

I had my #1 haunting nightmare and it fucking scares me just thinking about it. I wrote about it. I don't know if or when I could give you the book. It has good/bad/scared/happy/sad/dirty... ahh all kinds...

18 units. no job. Pearl Jam? I'm a weirdo. I'll say it again, if wishes were dimes...

miss...

you look good... always.... yes... you look really good...

Beach House - Take Care

I find myself at a loss for words often.

I had a dream where Krystal was in her old uniform, counting money, talking, but I couldn't hear anything. She was smiling and turning away, like she did this one night I went in in Corona. Her hands were moving, each bill being accounted for... I couldn't breathe. I reached out.

It will come, hopefully.

I too, wanted to call. I wanted to say something... anything... but, I don't want to cross that line. It's tearing me from what I should and what I want to do.

Saying I'm sorry for the death doesn't help. But a hug might. I don't know. fuck.

Focus on sounds, smells, tastes, touches, when I am feeling the feeling. But the smells of her come in from no where. I had another dream I was wearing her shirt. I almost packed one.

I kind of think the 'dream Krystal' travels and jumps into my dreams after I have a nightmare, just to help me sleep.

The talk with Kelly last night was awesome. I think there will be more talks like that.

The songs that randomly come on... I wonder if you hear them, too.

This is just hard.

Don't give up.