time

don't know how often the internet will be available.

I just hope the 18th doesn't kick my ass. I don't think it will kick hers.

This time, I believe I am just typing for myself, this is not being read.

this song just says everything I am thinking.

The book is filling.

21

well, okay, so, birthday this year just sucks. leaving sucks. everything sucks. haha. when will this all stop? my dad says this is my day but I just keep letting these feelings take over it. meh.

everything is so conflicting right now

etbs sncoed lefe em sakme lalyer tshi.

I never thought I would say those three words out loud.

Can't believe I am leaving so soon.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, I wonder if that is going to be true. Someone told me I was being too "available" and that is my biggest mistake.

I am sick of these outside influences.

Movies last night, Dinner tonight, Lunch and therapy tomorrow, packing Friday, dinner Saturday, leaving Sunday, my eyes water as I write this...

too much to say

I can smell you everywhere, not just your scent, but your smell in general. You, in general. I have so many thoughts racing in my head right now and I know you do too. Tell me them all. I want your thoughts to coil around my brain, I enjoy sharing with you. It is times like these when I want to write as poetically as you do, but I realize that I get so tongue tied....

Freddy is outside on lizard patrol, barking up a storm.

You do know me, you know me so well. You know my movements without even seeing me. That makes me feel squishy on the inside. Squishy.

Emotions. So many emotions. Magnet. Really. Intensity. There are so many things running through my head. Through yours. Mine. You are the only person who makes me have so many emotions, but can make me feel speechless at the same time.

What can I say? I love you.

Time. Time goes by slowly without you.

Fear. New fears. Fears I installed. Pain. There are times when I feel like I don't deserve you. I want to show you how happy I can make you though. Rambling. You let me ramble though. You do want to hear my thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like saying nothing, but it is wrong because I need to say everything. My mind is blank. I want to see you.

I will have to add more later.

sigh*

It is always weird to discover there are all new things you never dreamed would scare you...

23

damn

get your nail done

I spent some time today with Christie and her boyfriend guy Dustin, which was really nice. I know Christie is always trying to protect me, and she has said things only because she thinks they would make me feel better. She has an extremely open mind and so does Dustin, which is really cool. It is nice to be able to be myself and not think about if my friends are going to freak out. I am so glad I got the bad people out of my life, although I wish I had done it sooner.

It was kind of wishful thinking, and maybe a bit lame, but I thought about what it could be like to double date with them because you would get along with them. I don't know, maybe I am just feeling too giddy right now.

But, I really did feel good today, naturally, you were on my mind, it is not like you ever aren't, but, like I said, it felt good to be in a total judgement free zone, because I have only been in those a few times.

The kids miss you. I miss you. The days seem endless at times. I have been getting productive, and I bought one of those fill-in books. I guess, what I mean to say, is day by day, I am beating this stupid depression eating disorder all other problems shit, and it feels so good.

Did you go running today? I think you work tonight, and hopefully you aren't stuck doing all the work again. I hope you're getting enough sleep. How is meow meow? I saw kitties at Petsmart the other day, they were so precious, but nothing compared to lil' meow meow...

Christie painted my nails and my toe nails, just like she said she would... it was funny...

ehh...

while doing my school schedule, I have come to realize that I have maybe one and one-half semesters left before I can transfer somewhere, and I am scared shitless...

Now I have come to think, would UCR be a copout because it is so close? Monterey Bay is much further, but super scary. I want to stay in state, for sure, but damn, I really did not realize this day would come so quickly...

I am feeling good today. Positive, almost like I can handle anything. I've been somewhat productive today, yeah, I have had my thoughts that brought me a bit down, but I perked right up. Staying Posi, as they say.

I'm glad Heather helped me realize that my minimal eating and my nausea is from stress this week, and if I can see the difference between that and the ED, I am on a good path, so that is how I am looking at it. I was really afraid that my anorexia was taking over and I really had no control over it at all, but I just need to take some tums and eat something light. I am looking at a lot of things in a whole new light, and although some of it is really difficult, it is helping a lot, and I am sure that is what is adding to the positive attitude. I wish I could share everything she says with all of my friends, but I don't know if it would mean the same to them.

I still haven't really been able to listen to music, but, I am sure I will be able to again with some time.

I made my packing list... scary.

I hope you're doing well, and that everything is going okay. I'm proud that you ran 3 miles, jesus. I think tonight is movie night, so I hope you have fun.

We got a babyproof fence at the bottom of the stairs for the kids, and naturally, Freddy has peed on it...

Okay, I think I am going to grab something to eat, wish me luck!

day 2

I don't want to be annoying, but I feel like that is all I am now. You have moved on it seems and I have not and it also seems you are encouraging me to move on but I just cannot do it. I used to find hope and think one day we could try this out again, but if you are trying to make me move on, I begin to lose that hope. Yeah, I am trying to stay positive and still do things through out the day but I am having such a hard time. it is only day two and this feels pathetic. I am sure you are doing well, keeping busy and hanging out with your friends. probly hanging out with her, also. You don't believe much of what I say anymore which really blows, but I am sorry things didn't work out with her. I do hope they work out for us eventually. I don't want to be jessica stein. here I go being annoying again. You aren't in love but you still love me. I still love you. You say we weren't compatible, I hope when I fix my issues you will see we were. It just sucks when I feel like I am trying to hold onto something that has let go, in that department. I'll stop now with this rant...

edit- day 2 got a bit bad, but nonetheless, you are stronger. good. we will see how day 3 goes...

this is so fucking hard and it is only day 1.

this is what it feels like... fucking hate it. felt something like this but this is a million times worse. I know it hurts you too, not saying it doesn't. I can't find distraction. I can't eat. Can't sleep. I want to take more just to pass time but it isn't a good idea. Everything reminds me of you. I need to find someone to take my attention away, but I just can't. It just feels wrong to me. you're smarter than me. better. stronger. I feel like a withered flower...

sick. ill. sad. lonely. pathetic. need to meet new people. disbelief. maybe i should settle. drugs helped but didn't. can't stop. my mind won't stop. ignorance is bliss. eternal sunshine. please? no? one more time. better this time. you hate me. think i'm crazy. fuck. this was not what i wanted. too much. i just want to end this all. can't go on like this. but now you totally think i'm crazy. bet you pity me. fuck. typing this is bad, you'll read it. use it. i don't know anymore.

19 days, jesus...

So much in my head and all I can get out is this...